It’s a joke, get over it!

Blueprint for Reaching Viral Status

I just came off a three day acid fueled bender and somewhere, in an otherworldly kaleidoscope involving fat smoking Indonesian babies and dancing Care Bears receiving blow jobs, the universe opened wide, giant legs spread, revealing a sure-fire blueprint for going viral. You’re probably thinking the sink-hole between the giant legs contained any number of super-strains of STD’s and, that’s one way to go viral but the virus I’m talking about is the kind Simon Cowell shits between takes on the set of X-Factor, not
viral like H1N1 or the bird flu—viral like a retard on youtube sucking his own cock, Daniel Tosh style. No real talent is required for this type of viral success. Here’s the super top-secret formula straight from the Acid Gods themselves:

Be a complete douche bag. You can’t go viral being an ordinary douche, you’ve got to be a douchebag milkshake. Anyone that would let their fat Indonesian baby chain smoke AND film it is not an ordinary douche but the kind of complete douche that goes viral. I could give you a million examples here but you know what kind of douche you are which leads us to #2.

2. Show your Ass. Not literally (nobody really wants to see your fat, cottage cheese, hair covered ass), I’m saying, if you find yourself naked break dancing in a crowd, don’t be afraid to grab that guy’s cock and jerk it for all its worth—that’s viral shit! See #1 above, be a complete douchebag.

3. Become oblivious to cameras or just be stupid. Let’s face it, most people freeze up when they know they’re being filmed. The secret to overcoming this flaw in the human condition is retarded conditioning. Have someone follow you with a camera all the time and be ready to act entirely stupid—jump off that building! Do a back-flip when you weigh 400 pounds. Come on, just do it!

4. If at first you don’t succeed, try harder. Viral status is part luck but preparedness and persistence is ninety percent of luck. The first time you fuck your own ass might go unnoticed. Who really knows what sick fuck shit people will click on? You have to always push the envelope, be a douchebag, show your ass and be retarded. Now, go make your youtube video bitches.

Get some real sick fuck ideas for your viral video from Dirk McFergus at

Is it AADHD or just boredom?

Lately I’ve been having a hard time concentrating, focusing and relaxing. Every time I start a project, I get sidetracked and follow a path away from my goal of the moment. I know this isn’t uncommon in ordinary adult human beings but the extreme end of it is a medical condition referred to as adult attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (AADHD). Reading a number of websites on the topic has made me wonder if I’m a candidate for this condition. I’m also acutely aware of the self fulfilling prophecy aspect of this. People can give themselves medical conditions by thinking and believing that they have it. Part of me wants to say that this is just a bunch of crap – the other part makes me wonder if there’s some great meds out there. Would it be a condition that could get you a medical marijuana card in a state that offers such a thing ie. Washington or Montana (but not Idaho?) Is there a connection there with Mormonism?

The fact that I can’t coherently write an article about AADHD is proof that I might have it. Is rambling a symptom of the disorder? According to wikipedia, which is always true since it’s an encyclopedia, incessant talking is a symptom of this neurobehavioral developmental disorder.

Really we’re just talking about “monkey mind.” Perhaps it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes it or maybe it’s just the nature of being unsettled that creates the chemical imbalance. I also wonder if diagnosing it as a bona fide disorder relieves the social stigma of poor behavior resulting from the monkey mind. I Imagine many apologies are made for individuals with Tourette syndrom, “Sorry, my child says ass repeatedly because he has a disease.” “Sorry, I didn’t hear a word you just said Honey because of my AADHD.” Just like depression and seasonal affective disorder (SAD), I wonder if it’s really just a bunch of made up stuff to explain various states of malaise or the condition where someone just can’t accept things the way they are.

I still don’t know but I definitely feel better getting it off my chest. Wait, what was I doing? I can’t remember – forgot my damn alzheimer’s medication again.

Obama Announces Plan for Credit Amnesty

At an unexpected White House press conference this morning, on the heels of the gate crashing scandal, President Obama announced a bold, new economic stimulus plan he called the Credit Amnesty Plan of 2010.  According to Mr. Obama:

“With 16 million Americans unemployed and no foreseeable recovery, I am advised to take bold action.  The top economic advisors have informed me the only viable option to stimulate pre-crash vigorous commerce is to relax the credit standards used by lenders today.”

Republican opponents of the proposal, dubbed the Credit Amnesty Act of 2010, “a fool’s folly,” stating, “relaxing lending standards is exactly how this country found itself in this financial disaster in the first place.”

Leading economists speculate that a complete reversal of consumer credit ratings would bring consumers back to pre-2008 spending habits, ie. purchasing homes, cars and 1080p televisions that they cannot afford, thereby returning the United States back to the capitalistic utopia offered by the Founding Fathers of the country.

The Credit Amnesty Plan, according to Obama,

“Would set the clock back to zero on January first.  Every citizen of the United States would be given a credit score of 800.  How they choose to use it is up to them.  But, I have the utmost of confidence that my fellow Americans will use their new found credit status wisely.”

Congress is expected to debate the proposed plan as soon as legal proceedings are concluded in the White House Staff’s unprecedented claim of executive privilege surrounding the so called guest list and party guest screening, security debacle.  Of course, Congress is out of session until February of 2010 and legal proceedings on the executive privilege claims are expected to last until 2020 thereby essentially renaming Mr. Obamba’s bold plan, the Credit Amnesty Plan of 2020.  Skeptics have claimed that the end of the world is scheduled for 2012 thereby rendering Mr. Obama’s plan entirely moot.

God Brand Beef – Holy Cow! Divine tasting Bovine.

Photo by Aaron Flaum, Credit: AP

Divine bovine? The recent birth of a half Jersey, half Holstein calf with a white cross in the middle of its forehead have some speculating whether we’re approaching the second coming or the end of days. At God Brand ™ we’re proud to announce our new line of beef products: God Brand Beef – Holy Cow! With the latest in genetic engineering, cross breeding and nano-technology occurring at God Brand ™, we will soon be mass producing divinely born calves in local markets the world over.  It is divine tasting bovine.  Look for God Brand tm Beef – Holy Cow at high end supermarkets in your town!

And as always, with God Brand you can’t go wrong – it’s God’s after all.